I am now down to one brother and one sister and one parent. My brother James committed suicide last night. I am still asking myself why. Still wondering why he wasn't stronger than that. To make matters worse, I was gonna see him and everybody in just a little over a week. Now I will only see a grave. Figures, when I try to return home to see my family it is always invariably for a funeral. It's just not fair. Having done all my crying, I now sit here writing because I think maybe I can make some sense out of it, but all I feel is stunned. I don't know if anybody will ever see this blog, but I just don't care. I need to get my feelings out in the open and the best way I can do it is to write.
There is nothing really that can be said or done, (beyond a prayer or two) for me and my family. I know that my mom is probably having a harder time with it because this will be the second of her kids she has had to bury. I still can't fathom why people do it. Things are hard and life is not a game, but if you aren't strong against it, it can get to you. I guess that makes me very strong. In just 45 years I have been through alot, seen alot...I wouldn't recommend it. Am I making too light a thing out of it? Should I be depressed over it?
Maybe others would be, but I just feel like I must be strong. I have to hold up that weight, and press on in the face of overwhelming odds.
As the oldest of 5 I have always shouldered the burden of my siblings, and now I am so tired. I need rest, but there is still so much to do in this life before it is over. Now I am rambling so I guess it is time to sign off.
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