I finally lived out one of my dreams yesterday. With the help of my church I recorded my first album. (3 songs, but what the hay, better than a poke in the eye.) It is called Lift me up. The three songs are Lift me up, In the sweet by and by, and He loves me. The first and last are my own. Had alot of fun doing it, even though my back was kinda hurting I was able to have fun and ignore the pain. I will be making copies later on and giving them out. I think I may have finally found my ministry. Of course I really want to incorporate my want to see cancer cured. All kinds of cancer too, not just the two most famous kinds...ie; breast and mesothelioma. Especially I want to see cancer cured in children. Maybe my singing can give someone going through cancer some hope and encouragement. Maybe I can sell my recordings to give to cancer research, who knows? At very least I could maybe begin to give small concerts to raise awareness of various cancers and money for research into a cure. I guess I will do as God leads me. After all, he gave me the voice and songwriting talent, it is really up to him to help me use it for his greater good, right?
Friday, May 31, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Another bit of rambling before bed
I can't believe I have already had 30+ views of this blog. I really didn't know anybody would read it.
I was looking through some of my things and found my brother Steve's funeral program. I still recall giving the eulogy. I was so close to him that it tore me apart when my mom told me he had died. But the good things that I remember about him still make me smile. Now the weird part...I was never a big Star Trek fan until he died, then suddenly I found myself to be a huge fan. I watched all the episodes of the old series and next generation. I started to collect Star Trek stuff and now I can hardly contain it all. And because he was the Star Trek fan of fans I supposed that he must've left that part of himself with me. I still have dreams about him, and although in the dreams I know he is gone I still talk to him as if he wasn't.
Now my brother James is a different story. I hardly really knew him and since he died on Friday I haven't had any dreams about him. One more oddity...I feel that Steve made it to Heaven and is thoroughly enjoying himself there, but James, well, because he was an Atheist I don't think he made it there at all. Maybe that's why he isn't in my dreams. He is just gone out of my life and out of this life. That part of it is very disheartening to me as I tried so hard to get him to come over to the Lord's side. I did the best I could to win him for Christ, but he would have none of it. I now face the daunting task of trying to win my one remaining brother, (also an Atheist) and I hope I can. I don't like losing my family to the Devil. My Mom already believes as does my sister and I thank God for that all the time. It isn't that it puts a "Feather" in my cap, but if I could just win Tim over to God's side then I could relax knowing that the rest of my family are prepared for the end as I am and that when I am called I would see them again. Does that make me selfish?
I really want to know. So please comment for me. Let me know what you think. Am I selfish for wanting my whole family in Heaven with me or what? And do you think I would be too pushy about it? I don't want to seem that way but I am desperate.
I was looking through some of my things and found my brother Steve's funeral program. I still recall giving the eulogy. I was so close to him that it tore me apart when my mom told me he had died. But the good things that I remember about him still make me smile. Now the weird part...I was never a big Star Trek fan until he died, then suddenly I found myself to be a huge fan. I watched all the episodes of the old series and next generation. I started to collect Star Trek stuff and now I can hardly contain it all. And because he was the Star Trek fan of fans I supposed that he must've left that part of himself with me. I still have dreams about him, and although in the dreams I know he is gone I still talk to him as if he wasn't.
Now my brother James is a different story. I hardly really knew him and since he died on Friday I haven't had any dreams about him. One more oddity...I feel that Steve made it to Heaven and is thoroughly enjoying himself there, but James, well, because he was an Atheist I don't think he made it there at all. Maybe that's why he isn't in my dreams. He is just gone out of my life and out of this life. That part of it is very disheartening to me as I tried so hard to get him to come over to the Lord's side. I did the best I could to win him for Christ, but he would have none of it. I now face the daunting task of trying to win my one remaining brother, (also an Atheist) and I hope I can. I don't like losing my family to the Devil. My Mom already believes as does my sister and I thank God for that all the time. It isn't that it puts a "Feather" in my cap, but if I could just win Tim over to God's side then I could relax knowing that the rest of my family are prepared for the end as I am and that when I am called I would see them again. Does that make me selfish?
I really want to know. So please comment for me. Let me know what you think. Am I selfish for wanting my whole family in Heaven with me or what? And do you think I would be too pushy about it? I don't want to seem that way but I am desperate.
Cancer takes another one
Today I found out that a good friend lost his battle with cancer. He had been fighting it for a couple of years at least. He will be sorely missed by his friends, family, and his kids. I kind of feel like I lost another brother. This has been one tragic week. I think I may even have a few more grey hairs. Not sure why my life has been so full of tragedy and pain. Is it to make me strong? I don't feel particularly strong. In fact this week has drained nearly all my energy. I tried to take a nap and although I got maybe an hour's worth of sleep I couldn't stay asleep. I'm tired, but my body keeps wanting me to stay up. WHY?
I still remember working with Alan, he always had a bright look on his face, and a positive outlook on life in general. I never knew him without a smile. I can't blame God for taking him, but it just makes me feel like he doesn't want the happy ones to stay very long on this earth. I am posting his picture along with this post, so that others who read this will know his infectious spirit. I hate cancer, having fought it and won myself. Of course, God was really the one who won the battle for me, I couldn't have done it without him. I am thankful for my life, but it is so hard sometimes to live it.
Today in church the topic was "If you could choose when you die, what day would it be?" I have given that alot of thought and I honestly can't say. I mean, I am prepared to go, but I still feel like I have so much to accomplish before he takes me. Is that weird? Is it ego? I hope not. I want nothing to do with an ego trip, I am just not that kind of person. I know in my heart that I am nothing without Christ. This comming Thursday I will be recording my very first album with the help of the church. It is titled "Lift me up" and that is also the title of the first song. I can then scratch that off my bucket list. Maybe that will also bring a bit of happiness to me and to everyone who listens to it. (Though I am not sure how many will) I am giving a copy to my remaining family members when I go to Washington.
Alan Atnip Rest in Peace...
To everyone who reads this post, I ask for prayers and an increased awareness of the varied kinds of cancer that take the lives of so many people.
I still remember working with Alan, he always had a bright look on his face, and a positive outlook on life in general. I never knew him without a smile. I can't blame God for taking him, but it just makes me feel like he doesn't want the happy ones to stay very long on this earth. I am posting his picture along with this post, so that others who read this will know his infectious spirit. I hate cancer, having fought it and won myself. Of course, God was really the one who won the battle for me, I couldn't have done it without him. I am thankful for my life, but it is so hard sometimes to live it.
Today in church the topic was "If you could choose when you die, what day would it be?" I have given that alot of thought and I honestly can't say. I mean, I am prepared to go, but I still feel like I have so much to accomplish before he takes me. Is that weird? Is it ego? I hope not. I want nothing to do with an ego trip, I am just not that kind of person. I know in my heart that I am nothing without Christ. This comming Thursday I will be recording my very first album with the help of the church. It is titled "Lift me up" and that is also the title of the first song. I can then scratch that off my bucket list. Maybe that will also bring a bit of happiness to me and to everyone who listens to it. (Though I am not sure how many will) I am giving a copy to my remaining family members when I go to Washington.
Alan Atnip Rest in Peace...
To everyone who reads this post, I ask for prayers and an increased awareness of the varied kinds of cancer that take the lives of so many people.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
And then there was one
I am now down to one brother and one sister and one parent. My brother James committed suicide last night. I am still asking myself why. Still wondering why he wasn't stronger than that. To make matters worse, I was gonna see him and everybody in just a little over a week. Now I will only see a grave. Figures, when I try to return home to see my family it is always invariably for a funeral. It's just not fair. Having done all my crying, I now sit here writing because I think maybe I can make some sense out of it, but all I feel is stunned. I don't know if anybody will ever see this blog, but I just don't care. I need to get my feelings out in the open and the best way I can do it is to write.
There is nothing really that can be said or done, (beyond a prayer or two) for me and my family. I know that my mom is probably having a harder time with it because this will be the second of her kids she has had to bury. I still can't fathom why people do it. Things are hard and life is not a game, but if you aren't strong against it, it can get to you. I guess that makes me very strong. In just 45 years I have been through alot, seen alot...I wouldn't recommend it. Am I making too light a thing out of it? Should I be depressed over it?
Maybe others would be, but I just feel like I must be strong. I have to hold up that weight, and press on in the face of overwhelming odds.
As the oldest of 5 I have always shouldered the burden of my siblings, and now I am so tired. I need rest, but there is still so much to do in this life before it is over. Now I am rambling so I guess it is time to sign off.
There is nothing really that can be said or done, (beyond a prayer or two) for me and my family. I know that my mom is probably having a harder time with it because this will be the second of her kids she has had to bury. I still can't fathom why people do it. Things are hard and life is not a game, but if you aren't strong against it, it can get to you. I guess that makes me very strong. In just 45 years I have been through alot, seen alot...I wouldn't recommend it. Am I making too light a thing out of it? Should I be depressed over it?
Maybe others would be, but I just feel like I must be strong. I have to hold up that weight, and press on in the face of overwhelming odds.
As the oldest of 5 I have always shouldered the burden of my siblings, and now I am so tired. I need rest, but there is still so much to do in this life before it is over. Now I am rambling so I guess it is time to sign off.
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